The Sadness Sets In

I can't sleep. I woke up at 4am to feed the baby and I put her back down at 4:40am. I've been lying awake in my bed for over an hour. So, why can't I sleep? Because one of my best friends, KT, moved away today.

I knew this was coming, but I didn't let myself think about it at all. Every time I started to think about it, I'd get a lump in my throat so I kept avoiding the topic in my head. I'm not a big crier. I rarely shed tears when I watch sad movies. I didn't cry when I hugged KT goodbye and watched her drive away. But tonight, when it was time to get ready for bed, I sat down and started to cry. KT just left, but I can already feel a little emptiness inside. I feel this pit in my stomach. I feel really sad. I don't like making all these military friends because they eventually have to leave me. Last year KL and EH left...this year it's KT. I seriously need more friends outside of the military! I mean, it's not that I don't have other friends, but KT was my day-to-day friend. We could count on each other for so many things. We talked on the phone and saw each other almost every day. How can I not feel sad?

Over the past 4 years we've had so much fun together...outings, dates, playdates. She and her husband got us addicted to the card game Killer Bunnies (a fun game where you kill each other's bunnies and try to get the magic carrot at the end in order to win--sounds weird but, trust me, it's super fun!) and we'd stay up late playing at each other's houses. We could always have long conversations about anything...from religion to baby poop. We'd have meals at each other's houses. I would borrow her daughter, L, to keep Elina company while I got things done around the house or if Elina needed a companion on fun outings. I think the thing that makes me so sad is that KT's not accessible anymore. I mean, I know that we'll always be friends no matter where we go, but the thing is, she's no longer here with me. I can't just drive down to her house to hang out. We can't take our kids out together to do fun things. She and her family can't just come over for dinner. It's the little things that I'm going to miss. All those little things add up to a big part of my life.

The thing is, I knew this was coming. I knew a year ago that it was coming. So as I lay in bed tossing and turning, I keep thinking to myself, "We should have gone out more often. We should have had KT and her family over for dinner more often. We should have played Killer Bunnies more often." Isn't that sad? I know that I must sound lame, but KT has really become a close friend over the years...she's like family.

Well, that's enough sadness for now. I guess I just needed to vent a little. Hopefully this will help me sleep. The sun is rising now and I know I'm going to kick myself for staying up once the kids wake up.

Miss you already, KT. Wish you and your family could have stayed!